This time last year…
My Sweet Sweet Lyric,
As I sit here reading the letter that I wrote to you last year, on my very first Mother’s day my fingers are almost at a stand still. I promised myself and you that every year around this time I would write you a letter reflecting on our time together in the last 12 months. And for some reason in this moment I’m scared to write. Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid that I won’t be as poetic as last year, or that I wont have as many beautifully put together notions to share. I guess its that I’m terrified of disappointing you. But if there’s a lesson that I can teach you in all of this, its that true disappointment lies in never trying. So Mommy’s gonna get it together and share my thoughts on the last year with you my love.
I won’t go into the gory details of why I cried myself to sleep many nights after you were tucked safely in your bed listening to your sound machine. Sucking on your binky and snuggling with your little elephant blankie that a listener sent you while I was pregnant. I do however I want you to know that throughout this year there were actually more times that I needed you than you needed me.
Your smile was my strength. Your laugh was my hope. Your existence was my existence.
You see my little man, I always vowed that motherhood wasn’t going to turn me into something I wasn’t. It wasn’t going to change me. I fought that idea like someone running from the plague. But I realized that had I not morphed into a different person when I gave birth to you I would have given up. On life, my drive, on love and everything that I held dear to me. When my world came crashing down and continued to do so for a long time after you were brought into this world I wanted to just quit. But I knew giving up on me was giving up on you. Giving up on us is just not an option.
Someday when your old enough to understand I will tell you all that mommy had to do to get us to this place. But for now angel just know that it was ALL FOR YOU.
This year has been exactly like what they say about time. It flies! Your mommy hates cliche sayings but seriously where did my baby go? You’re not an ushy-gushy little roley-poley crawling around on the floor anymore. Your an independent little bugger that already seems to think he doesn’t need mommy’s hand. Breaks my heart kid but like I said before, I’d like to think you get that independent streak from me.
I remember the day you took your first steps. You were about 13 months and you followed me into the bathroom (as per usual) and stood up, looked at me with a giggle and then…
I then squealed so loud that I scared you and you went down on your bum. I really wish I would have gotten that moment on camera but I was on the pot so there’s that. You didn’t really start taking off until 16 months which Grandma Ali says is just like Mama. She always tells the story of how I never crawled and just scooted around on my butt. She was worried so Grandma took me to the doctors thinking that I had polio or something. The doctors told her nope, shes just lazy and will walk when she’s ready. I dunno about the lazy part but sure enough one day I just got up and took off. On my own time. Just like you baby. Please always do things on your own time. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t walk to the beat of your own drum. That you have to jump when other’s say jump. I never did and I pray you never do either.
Lyric I love hearing your little words now.
“Oooooooh-ooooooooh” – Lyric for Uh-oh
“Mama!” – Your 1st word and music to my ears!
“Dawwwwwwwwwwwg” – Cutest way to say Dog ever!
“Buuuuurrrrr” – Lyic for bird
“Paaaaaayyyyyn”- Lyric for Plane
“Liiiiiiieeeeeeey_ Lyric for light
” Nana” – Oh how you love your nanas in the morning
“PPppppppppppp!” You calling after our puppy Pink… who is jealous and wants nothing to do with you. Hopefully she’ll come around boo.
“Noooo! nooooo!” Your second word and I’m in trouble with that one. I can see it already.
The list could go on and on and right now your most likely going to be reading this saying “Really mom?” But I can’t help it son. I want to remember every second of you as you are today because I only get to do this once with you. One day you won’t let me tackle you and get those chunky thighs. One day you won’t hug onto my leg or reach up for me to hold you. One day you wont lay your little curly haired head on my shoulder as I rock you to sleep. Perhaps these letters are as much for me as they are for you. But I hope you cherish them as much as I cherish you. Let me leave this letter with one thing.
With all of my heart and with everything I am. To the moon and stars and back again.