For some odd reason that saying “That’s the way the cookie crumbles” keeps running through my head. Most of the time that saying would imply that setting has gone wrong, or not the way you expected. You then shrug your shoulders and utter that sentence to reassure yourself that it will be ok. You tell yourself that is just the way the chips fell, or that was the hand you were given.
Been doing a lot of self reflection lately and dissecting the way my life cookie has crumbled over the years. It seems to me though that every time my cookie burst into a million pieces it was for a reason. For some bigger purpose that would later fuel my life. My goals. Shape who I’m going to grow up to be and all that shit.
Like take my broken engagement for example. It was such a painful memory for me that I truly think I blocked out just how many years ago that was. Four? Is it going on five? Shiz I’ve been single that long? I actually used to write about that guy in poetic poem posts on this very blog that he bugged me to start. That he actually created for me originally.
Let me tell you when that cookie crumbled I thought the life I had envisioned for myself was over for good. And in so many ways it was. I spent oh so many days and nights mourning my little stupid princess wedding that never happened. Mourning the me that was starry eyed and un jaded about love. Mourning that beautiful duchess satin dress that never made it down the isle, or my prized engagement ring that now adorns someone else’s finger.
No before you click that X button on the corner to get away from what is seemingly one big fat pity party just bare with me.
That cookie crumbled. BIG time.
But I would like to think that the cookie analogy is much like the hard boiled egg effect.
“The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It’s about what you’re made of, not the circumstances.” —Unknown.
I think I’ve become a hard boiled egg.
Wait WTF? I sound like a looney tune.
Lemme explain. I think that my cookie crumbling turned me into a hard ass. Unbreakable and outwardly unshakeable. But if i’m painstakenly honest, these days I yearn for that googley eyed girl that simply trusted that love was always going to be there. That someday that true head spinning moment when you JUST KNOW would happen. Again with the painstaking honesty…
I’ve never had that. Katy Perry lyrics come to mind.
“I didn’t feel the fairytale feeling, no
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could..
If it’s not like the movies
That’s how it should be, yeah
When he’s the one, I’ll come undone
And my world will stop spinning
And that’s just the beginning, yeah”
Ive been thinking about love lately. In the midst of the last six months filled with contracts, and lawyers, and movers, and papers ,and plane rides. OH MY! I’ve been thinking about love. And after so long of being away from it, I’m starting to pray for it again. Because lets face it there aint nuthin like that feeling of true love….perhaps its coming around for me. Maybe for the first time ever. Here’s hoping.