Mother’s Day Letter To Lyric Version 2.0

This time last year…

 

My Sweet Sweet Lyric,

As I sit here reading the letter that I wrote to you last year, on my very first Mother’s day my fingers are almost at a stand still. I promised myself and you that every year around this time I would write you a letter reflecting on our time together in the last 12 months. And for some reason in this moment I’m scared to write. Perhaps it’s because I’m afraid that I won’t be as poetic as last year, or that I  wont have as many beautifully put together notions to share. I guess its that I’m terrified of disappointing you. But if there’s a lesson that I can teach you in all of this, its that true disappointment lies in never trying. So Mommy’s gonna get it together and share my thoughts on the last year with you my love.

I won’t go into the gory details of why I cried myself to sleep many nights after you were tucked safely in your bed listening to your sound machine. Sucking on your binky and snuggling with your little elephant blankie that a listener sent you while I was pregnant. I do however I want you to know that throughout this year there were actually more times that I needed you than you needed me.

Your smile was my strength. Your laugh was my hope. Your existence was my existence.

You see my little man, I always vowed that motherhood wasn’t going to turn me into something I wasn’t. It wasn’t going to change me. I fought that idea like someone running from the plague. But I realized that had I not morphed into a different person when I gave birth to you I would have given up. On life, my drive, on love and everything that I held dear to me.  When my world came crashing down and continued to do so for a long time after you were brought into this world I wanted to just quit. But I knew giving up on me was giving up on you. Giving up on us is just not an option.

Someday when your old enough to understand I will tell you all that mommy had to do to get us to this place. But for now angel just know that it was ALL FOR YOU.

This year has been exactly like what they say about time. It flies! Your mommy hates cliche sayings but seriously where did my baby go? You’re not an ushy-gushy little roley-poley crawling around on the floor anymore. Your an independent little bugger that already seems to think he doesn’t need mommy’s hand. Breaks my heart kid but like I said before, I’d like to think you get that independent streak from me.

I remember the day you took your first steps. You were about 13 months and you followed me into the bathroom (as per usual)  and stood up, looked at me with a giggle and then…

One step…Wobble

Two Step..Wobble

I then squealed so loud that I scared you and you went down on your bum. I really wish I would have gotten that moment on camera but I was on the pot so there’s that. You didn’t really start taking off until 16 months which Grandma Ali says is just like Mama. She always tells the story of how I never crawled and just scooted around on my butt. She was worried so Grandma took me to the doctors thinking that I had polio or something. The doctors told her nope, shes just lazy and will walk when she’s ready.  I dunno about the lazy part but sure enough one day I just got up and took off. On my own time. Just like you baby. Please always do things on your own time. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you can’t walk to the beat of your own drum. That you have to jump when other’s say jump. I never did and I pray you never do either.

 

Lyric I love hearing your little words now.

“Oooooooh-ooooooooh” – Lyric for Uh-oh

“Mama!” – Your 1st word and music to my ears!

“Dawwwwwwwwwwwg” – Cutest way to say Dog ever!

“Buuuuurrrrr” – Lyic for bird

“Paaaaaayyyyyn”- Lyric for Plane

“Liiiiiiieeeeeeey_ Lyric for light

” Nana” – Oh how you love your nanas in the morning

“PPppppppppppp!” You calling after our puppy Pink… who is jealous and wants nothing to do with you. Hopefully she’ll come around boo.

“Noooo! nooooo!” Your second word and I’m in trouble with that one. I can see it already.

The list could go on and on and right now your most likely going to be reading this saying “Really mom?” But I can’t help it son. I want to remember every second of you as you are today because I only get to do this once with you. One day you won’t let me tackle you and get those chunky thighs. One day you won’t hug onto my leg or reach up for me to hold you. One day you wont lay your  little curly haired head on my shoulder as I rock you to sleep. Perhaps these letters are as much for me as they are for you. But I hope you cherish them as much as I cherish you. Let me leave this letter with one thing.

I.LOVE.YOU.SO.MUCH LYRIC.

With all of my heart and with everything I am. To the moon and stars and back again.

Love forever,

Mommy

 

Lyric Park

 

 

#SML (Single Mom Life)

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I know this post might bring me some backlash, so before you bite me just hear me out.

I know ALL parents have their struggles. Whether you are married or single we all go through our fair amount of shit trying to raise our little ones. But being a single mom with all of the day-to-day responsibilities of keeping Lyric alive and happy on my shoulders, this article hit me right in the feels. Give it a click. Pretty good read.

Why Being a Single Mom Has Turned Me Into a Complete B*TCH

In the last few months Lyric and I have experienced so many changes with moving, losing nannies, lawyers, dwindling bank accounts, oncoming terrible two’s and blah blah blah.

More than a few times I have been called “negative” by some of the people closest to me. Perhaps I have been a tad more testy than I need to be given that I am SO VERY BLESSED. (I absolutely know how lucky I am) But sometimes I think its ok to recognize when you are doing what some would consider impossible. Because folks sometimes it feels that way. And sometimes my emotions get the better of me and I turn into what best friend in the universe called “The Hulk”. Zero patience and zero filter. Im trying to be better about it but it is excruciatingly isolating to feel like your on the island of Loneliville without anyone but a 17 month old to talk to. Toddlers don’t tend to understand the anxiety and depression that sometimes comes along with being a single parent. Not that I would want ever him to understand…

Don’t get me wrong. Being Lyric’s mommy is the best roller coaster ride I could ever hope to be on. But I’ve never been the mom to create a picture that motherhood is jus a basket of rainbows and skittles.

I’m not going to get into all the whining about dirty diapers and sleepless nights and nonexistent sex life…i’ll just say that momming aint easy.

Riley-Signature-Hugs-and-Smiles

 

Cookie Crumbles

cookie

For some odd reason that saying “That’s the way the cookie crumbles” keeps running through my head. Most of the time that saying would imply that setting has gone wrong, or not the way you expected. You then shrug your shoulders and utter that sentence to reassure yourself that it will be ok. You tell yourself that is just the way the chips fell, or that was the hand you were given.

Been doing a lot of self reflection lately and dissecting the way my life cookie has crumbled over the years. It seems to me though that every time my cookie burst into a million pieces it was for a reason. For some bigger purpose that would later fuel my life. My goals. Shape who I’m going to grow up to be and all that shit.

Like take my broken engagement for example. It was such a painful memory for me that I truly think I blocked out just how many years ago that was. Four? Is it going on five? Shiz I’ve been single that long? I actually used to write about that guy in poetic poem posts on this very blog that he bugged me to start. That he actually created for me originally.

Let me tell you when that cookie crumbled I thought the life I had envisioned for myself was over for good. And in so many ways it was. I spent oh so many days and nights mourning my little stupid princess wedding that never happened. Mourning the me that was starry eyed and un jaded  about love. Mourning that beautiful duchess satin dress that  never made it down the isle, or my prized engagement ring that now adorns  someone else’s finger.

No before you click that X button on the corner to get away from what is seemingly one big fat pity party just bare with me.

That cookie crumbled. BIG time.

But I would like to think that the cookie analogy is much like the hard boiled egg effect.

“The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It’s about what you’re made of, not the circumstances.” —Unknown.

I think I’ve become a hard boiled egg.

Wait WTF? I sound like a looney tune.

Lemme explain. I think that my cookie crumbling turned me into a hard ass. Unbreakable and outwardly unshakeable. But if i’m painstakenly honest, these days I yearn for that googley eyed girl that simply trusted that love was always going to be there. That someday that true head spinning moment when you JUST KNOW would happen. Again with the painstaking honesty…

I’ve never had that. Katy Perry lyrics come to mind.

“I didn’t feel the fairytale feeling, no
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could..
If it’s not like the movies
That’s how it should be, yeah
When he’s the one, I’ll come undone
And my world will stop spinning
And that’s just the beginning, yeah”

Any hoozle-beez.

Ive been thinking about love lately. In the midst of the last six months filled with contracts, and lawyers, and movers, and papers ,and plane rides. OH MY! I’ve been thinking about love. And after so long of being away from it, I’m starting to pray for it again. Because lets face  it there aint nuthin like that feeling of true love….perhaps its coming around for me. Maybe for the first time ever. Here’s hoping.

Riley-Signature-Hugs-and-Smiles

I Love My Mom

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I just  got off the phone with my Mom after an hour long conversation of her listening to me go on about my worries, my fears, and all of the things that I can’t deal with in life. She listened, and agreed, and encouraged. I didn’t realize it until after we hung up but she said “I’m so proud of you” at least three times within that conversation. To be hones it almost fell on deaf ears for me. Not that it doesn’t mean the world to me to make my mother proud. I mean shit even when I’m furious at her I still secretly love it when she brags to her friends that her baby is on the radio. A career that I damn well know would never have happened if not for her equal parts believing in me, and in the same breath threatening to kick me out on my ass of I didn’t make something of the daughter that she raised.

I’ve become such a hard well-oiled machine in the last year that whenever someone praises me I often glaze it over in a humble nod or a quick huff because truthfully…

If someone is proud of you then you can also let them down.

But my Mom said it still, three times in one hour. “I’m so proud of you.” Almost as if she wanted me to soak it in, to finally hear it once and for all.

And it did this time Mommy.

You’re not just proud of me for my accomplishments. You’re proud of me for getting knocked on my ass, for getting kicked while on said ass, and then covered with dirt while I was down… and never giving up.

Mom are you surprised? I’m YOUR daughter.

I think back to what I what I remember my mom was at my age. Hell she was even younger than I am now with two kids as a single mom struggling to get by.

Hot dogs and ramen noodles for dinner, coupled with happy times and our first Cabbage Patch dolls. My doll had short curly blonde hair and her name was Thelma. Man was Mom happy to give us those dolls. She had that same beaming giddy-girl grin that she does now when she gives her beloved  grandchildren a big present. Only now she doesn’t have to scrap for it.

And why??

BECAUSE SHE’S A BADASS!!!!!!

She’s kinda like that Drake lyric “We started from the bottom and now were here.”

Those words that lately have been impenetrable to my brain are now ringing in my ears…

“I’m proud of you”

The last few years have been really rocky for my Mom and I. But I guess that’s the tale of time for mothers and their children. I have no doubt in my mind that Lyric and I will go through our peaks and valleys…but no matter how much my Mom and I fight, no matter how many times we hang up on each other in anger. Not matter how many times we scream or need to take a break from each other…

MOM, I’m so proud of you. I’m so proud to be your daughter. I love you Mommy.

Riley-Signature-Hugs-and-Smiles

Waves…

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Waves….

“I’m slowly drifting away (drifting away)

Wave after wave

Wave after wave

I’m slowly drifting (drifting away)

And it feels like I’m drowning

Pulling against the stream

Pulling against the stream

 

I wish I could make it easy

Easy to love me

Love me

But still I reach, to find a way

I’m stuck here in between

I’m looking for the right words to say”

 

“Waves” Mr Probz 

 

I’m sitting here listening to this song on repeat. And although I came to love it in a time when all things in my life were seemingly carefree and coming into place, I now understand why my soul had a connection to it. It wasn’t its cool soft beat driven melody. It wasn’t its calming vibe.It was the lyrics that perfectly described the “Waves” of my life. At first hearing this song I was within the beautiful crest of a wave that had the hope of love woven within its waters.

I was free.

I was laughing and kissing and making love. Independent and thriving…The simple pleasures that make a simple yet complicated life were mine. I was swimming the waters of what I had always wanted. Or so I thought.

As I type this my computer keeps stalling. Giving me the loading sing as if to warn me.

Almost as an omen that I shouldn’t be writing this.

But why not though?

For fear of being criticized. For feeling? For being real?

With every word I type closer and closer to the “Wave” that is my life now. One that shouldn’t drown me the way it has.

I am blessed. I am successful. I am overwhelmed.

Mother, friend, mentor, role model.

Fearful. Scattered. Scared.

I am riding this wave without a sturdy footing on my emotional surfboard.

 

This latest wave has nearly knocked me clear off my feet. I was a ballerina in my younger years so I know how to balance on the most unsteady of surfaces, but how do you dance on a wave?

I have fire red hair-like Ariel but I am not made of mystical Disney fairytales. I’m a human. I’m no mermaid. King Triton will not make this right for me with a flick of his trident.

I know I will navigate this. But these rocky seas have me sickened with the thought of persevering through this. My poetry, be it ever vague is my truth.

 

I want to achieve like I’ve never achieved before. I want to inspire. I want to give back. I want to be a great mother. I want to be free. I want to fall in love. I want to hope that all of this can be mine.

 

This wave has me achieving a few of these things but only a few of the upmost importance.

 

I feel like no two waves of life are the same. You glide upon the beautiful ones and crash upon the destructive ones.

How is it that with OH SO MANY blessings poured into my ocean lately that I am so disheartened?

Why is every triumph met with some level of defeat beyond my control?

I am a wave that’s crashing upon the shore begging for relief.

I pray these storm waters succeed to calmer seas with the coming days.

Cheers to calmer waters.

Riley-Signature-Hugs-and-Smiles

3 Song Lyrics That Describe Your Life

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Name Three Song Lyrics That Describe Your Life… Of Course Two of Mine Are Pink

Of course two out of the three of mine would be P!nk…

Eminem “Lose Yourself” : For My Career

“You better lose yourself in the music, the moment

You own it, you better never let it go (go)

You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

This opportunity comes once in a lifetime (yo)”

 

 

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P!nk “Run” :  For My Son

“See, here’s the bloody, bloody truth

You will hurt and you will lose

I’ve got scars you won’t believe

Wear them proudly on my sleeve

I hope you’ll have the sense to know

That sadness comes and sadness goes

Love so hard and play life loud

It’s the only thing to give a damn about

But take the best of what I’ve got

And you know no matter what

Before you walk away, you know you can

Run, run, run,

Back to my arms, back to my arms

Run, run, run,

Back to my arms and they will hold you down”

 

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P!nk  “Glitter In the Air” : For Life, Love And All The Memories In Between

 

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?

Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it

Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?

Have you ever looked fear in the face

And said I just don’t care?

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Limits…

limits

Today I was explaining to someone my journey over the past year and their response made me stop and realize just what a landslide it’s been for me. After telling them the ups and downs of coming into motherhood, gaining and losing those I thought dear to me, career triumphs and setbacks. All the while still merely trying to keep my head above water, their response was commending and filled with sympathy.

Now trust me I’m not dressing up for any pity parties but their response stopped me and made me reflect on the past year, what I’ve learned about my limits. I often come off as a hard ass. I mean shit I am a hard ass but I’m equal parts stone and mush. I always say that once your in my heart your there forever. AND EVER. No matter what you put me through I cannot hate you once I’ve loved you. That goes for family, friends and lovers alike. Its a flaw of mine as much as it is an attribute.

I need to limit how much I give of myself to those that are undeserving.

One of my best friends says to me all the time “Don’t let people take up space in your head and thoughts if they don’t deserve to be there.” I always over analyze situations and have the need to ask the questions that in the long run I really don’t want the answers to. I want to fix the problems that are unfix-able. I want to always believe there’s a way when sometimes there simply just isn’t. I swear I’ve spent years of my life rehashing things and trying to figure out what fork in the road caused things to go sour. Sometimes shit just is what it is. Beyond anyone’s control.

I need to limit how much energy I invest in trying to repair what is inevitably broken.

As hard as this past year had been, being pushed to my ultimate breaking point by the hands of the ones that I once stood side by side with… I am forever grateful for it. No matter where life has brought us now I am proud of the woman that I see in the mirror. As much as I am hurt and at a loss for words at what life has brought us today, I know I wouldn’t have reached certain peaks in my potential if not for some of the pain. Thank you for pushing me…thank you for breaking me. I have a motivation now that I would not have had before. I have to prove to myself and no one else that I wasn’t what you thought of me. And when the thought of you fades from my mind I’ll still have that drive.

I need to limit how much I concentrate on the acceptance of others and focus of accepting myself.

Reflecting on the past year, I mean hell just the last few months, I am slapped in the face with all of my weaknesses. But in the same token all of my strengths. As much joy as I have in my life I’ve spent a good portion of this past year with tear stained cheeks thanks to people that don’t give me or my well being a second thought. No mas my friends. NO MAS.

I need to limit the sad tears spent on the meaningless and cry the happy tears on the joyous. 

The last few years have taken me in directions I could never have hoped for, imagined or even wanted in some regards. But I think that is the reasoning for the biggest lesson in limits that I’ve come to….

I need to limit the toxic things that I tend to hold onto and  let go…..just let it go.

That’s it and that’s all.

 

Riley-Signature-Hugs-and-Smiles

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anxiety….

CD-BlackEyedPeas-Elephunk

“Anxiety”

I feel like I wanna smack somebody
Turn around and bitch slap somebody
But I ain’t goin’ out bro (no, no, no)
I ain’t givin’ into it (no, no, no)
Anxieties bash my mind in
Terrorizing my soul like Bin Laden
But I ain’t fallin’ down bro (no, no, no)
I won’t lose control bro (no, no, no)
Shackle and chained
My soul feels stained
I can’t explain got an ich on my brain
Lately my whole aim is to maintain
And regain control of my mainframe
My bloods boiling its beatin’ out propaine
My train of thoughts more like a runaway train
I’m in a fast car drivin’ in a fast lane
In the rain and I’m might just hydroplaine

I don’t fear none of my enemies
And I don’t fear bullets from Uzi’s
I’ve been dealing with something thats worse than these
That’ll make you fall to your knees and thats the
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety

My head keeps running away my brother
The only thing making me stay my brother
But I won’t give into it bro (no, no, no)
Gotta get myself back now
God, I can’t let my mind be
Tell my enemy is my own
Gots to find my inner wealth
Gots to hold up my thoughts
I can’t get caught (no, no, no)
I can’t give into it now (no, no, no)
Emotions are trapped set on lock
Got my brain stuck goin through the motions
Only I know what’s up
I’m filled up with pain
Tryin’ to gain my sanity
Everywhere I turn its a dead end infront of me
With nowhere to go gotta shake this anxiety
Got me feelin’ strange paranoia took over me
And its weighin’ me down
And I can’t run any longer, yo
Knees to the ground

I don’t fear none of my enemies
And I don’t fear bullets from Uzi’s
I’ve been dealing with something thats worse than these
That’ll make you fall to your knees and thats the
The anxiety the sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety
The sane and the insane rivalry
Paranoias brought me to my knees
Lord please please please
Take away my anxiety

That song has been on repeat for the better part of ten years in my life. As I’m typing this much like most of these tell-all posts I don’t know where to start. So I guess it’s just best to be out with it right??
I am a woman who suffers from SEVERE anxiety.
I know to some it seems like so what? We all get anxious. We all let our nerves get the best of us from time to time. That is true. But in a world of someone who suffers from anxiety its never that simple. Its never as easy as just breath and relax. LORD I HATE THAT WORD!
I hate it because I hear it so often. I hate it because a lot of the time I’m incapable of doing it when I’m trapped in a world of angst beyond my control.
When my anxiety hits me its like I’m on a roller coaster at its highest peak ready to enjoy the free fall of the ride but I get stuck at the top. Stuck there to just suffer with the fear that I might fall, but I might also stay there in the in-between. It’s a feeling like no other and it sucks.
Outwardly I’m a woman who has it all together. I have an amazing job, an incredible healthy baby boy, and the best friends any human being could ask for. I sit in front of a microphone everyday that reaches more than 2 million people and I don’t bat and eyelash. I can step in front of celebs and strut in my stilettos in arena stages full of thousands of people and feel at home. But when the lights dim and the mics turn off….that inner asshole called anxiety bites me in the ass. Doing what I do for a living almost makes me feel worse about it  sometimes. It’s like I don’t understand how I can be so poised in situations where the average person would be shitting their pants, but for me the simplest of things can send me into a tailspin.
 The last five months have been filled with so many changes that my anxiety is at an all time high. Those that know me are aware of those changes but I really don’t wish to go into them at this time. Sorry to be cryptic but this just isn’t the post for all that….
I got to thinking today about the patterns of my life and just how long I’ve been dealing with anxiety and never really realized it. I think its because until now i always had a scapegoat to deal…
In my teens I did drugs.
In my early twenties i went to the club and drank the nights away.
In my last twenties I let the docs prescribe and medication that would help (NEVER doing that again)
And now as a mommy…. I don’t have those fall backs. I won’t fall into those unhealthy crutches. My baby boy means to much. And in so many ways I’m all he has.
Normally I have some witty or inspiration thing to say…but today…I’m just kinda spent. And I really have to give myself a break and be ok with that. The one thing I will say is this…if you suffer from anxiety I want to send you a virtual hug.
Riley-Signature-Hugs-and-Smiles

 

You Should Go And Love Yourself..

Yes I am aware of the fact that I just quoted a Justin Bieber song as the title of my blog. And as much as that song has a different message than what I’m about to write, that title just speaks to me…kinda makes me chuckle but it does.

Been doing a shit ton of self reflection in the past few weeks. Having a  tiny human that you have to raise into a decent man will do that to ya. And if I’m honest it’s not just that. Sometimes there are certain occurrences in life that slap a mirror in from of your face that make you question what you did wrong, how you can grow, and whether or not its even worth another thought.

I was talking to my girlfriend today and she says that she goes through this once every few months which made me breath a sigh of relief that I’m not just nuts. I mean maybe I am a little loony but hey who isn’t?

So back to the Bieber title. “You should go and love yourself…” Man this one hits at the heartstrings for me. Self love is the hardest kind of love for me. As much as I can come across as a confident head strong woman who has her shit together, I’m often a scatter brained shell of the person I portray. Perhaps that’s extreme to say that because when I look in the mirror it’s kinda half and half. Jeckle and Hyde if you will. When I take a gander at my own reflection one person is successful, driven, proud and strong. The other is scared shitless, overwhelmed and insecure.

Lawdy I sound like a textbook multiple personality case. Perhaps its a hazard of the trade. One part radio personality and one part just plain ole me. I mean not that I’m not as real as humanly possible on air, but I feel like for the most part it’s my job and responsibility to make people smile and not boggle them down with my emotional crap.

Geez I have writer’s ADD!

Back to the loving yourself stuff…see I have such a hard time with the concept that it’s difficult to even write about it. My fingers are pausing at the moment trying to find the right words to say. This concept is so foreign to me. SELF LOVE. You see self love is not vanity. At least not in the way that I want to learn it. I’ve had more than my fair share of times of vanity in life and that gets old really quick.

In the past few weeks I’ve realized the self love that I want to have. The self love I want to teach my son. I’ve got a few self love goals that if your so inclined I’ll break down for you.

1.) Respect yourself. This for me means not over reacting in situations beyond my control and letting my emotions get the best of me. I have in the past embarrassed myself this way. (Can someone please create at control alt delete button for life?)  Tomorrow is another day and everything happens just the way it should.

2.) Respect others. Remember that people don’t always see things the way you do and your way is not always the right way. Not everyone knows your struggles so be patient when they are reacting to you.

3.) Create healthy boundaries. This one goes for you and others in your life. Decide for yourself how far you will let someone push you past the point of forgiveness and also pay attention to when you are pushing someone too far.

4.) Realize that you are worthy. You are worthy of it all. The fairy tale. That Cinderella moment where you find yourself. Whatever that moment is. Be it a job, a diamond ring, a baby….you ARE WORTHY OF YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!

Now if it sounds like I’m getting a bit preachy it’s only because I’m preaching to myself. This life is a process that now matter how old you are, how many kids you have, or how much life experience you have under your belt, life just keeps evolving.

Did any of this makes sense? LOL if not thanks for reading. Even if it does come across as mumbo-jumbo it feels good to “write it out”

 

Riley-Signature-Hugs-and-Smiles

 

 

Oh Baby!

TummyTime

So as you can tell by the title a lot has happened since I last hung around here…

This, my very own venting place that once meant so much to me. Now don’t get me wrong, the things I have written here are like a memory book that I can always look back on. Memories that I cherish. But I’ve been busy building a successful radio show, building relationships, solid friendships, building a life…and OH YEA I gave birth!

In six days my little cherub will be 4 months old. My little Lyric Matthew was born on October 19th 2015 weighing 7 lbs. 15 oz at 2:00 pm on the dot. In case you are wondering why it took me four months to write about the very most important thing I will ever do in life I’ll tell it to you straight. The reason can be described in one four letter word.

FEAR….

Before I explain what I mean let me back up. Around this time last year I was in a BRAND SPANKING NEW relationship with someone I barely knew. Someone who was going to be the father of my child. Now before you ask or before you judge I have three things to say to you.

1.) The father  has until now remained nameless in terms of my public career and will continue to stay that way unless anyone does some digging. If you do….whateves. But respect in this matter would be appreciated.

2.) Walk ten miles in my shoes before you judge.

3.) I had a fun time being pregnant and emotional while dealing with the backlash of  cruel internet trolls saying some of the harshest things I’ve ever heard in my life…so if you have something on the negative side to say do your worst. My skin is thicker than ever now.

Moving on…

As I said, around this time last year I found myself in a relationship that evolved way faster than I meant it to. He did nothing wrong. I just found out too late that he wasn’t the one for me. That happens in dating. You meet, you like, you figure it out. We were just irresponsible. This was something that ate at me for the first few months that I was pregnant. Do I stay just so that my baby can have a  conventional united family? Even though I have always had a love affair with the white picket fence dream I just couldn’t wrap my head around staying with someone for the sake of the baby. Simply because I knew what was ahead. Misery for all people involved. For me, for baby, and for baby daddy. So at around three months pregnant I left baby daddy. It was the scariest thing I have ever done. But in my mind the smartest. Today my son has a very peaceful life. A peace that I never experienced as a child.  And I feel it is  because I was strong enough to believe that I could be an amazing single mom while still still making baby daddy a part of my baby’s life.

Fast forward to nine months later I was inducing labor so that my mom could be at my side. My birth story is a whole other  mess that I will get into at another post….but I will share THIS with a lot of FEAR…

There’s that word again.

After pushing only about ten times my little boy entered this world. And be it the labor drugs, or my unconventional situation, or FEAR

I felt nothing. Ok that’s not fair. I did feel some things. I felt tired. I felt unworthy of this incredible life that I made.The ONE THING I had always wanted in life was to be a mother and it was here…and I was numb.  I felt a sense of self loathing that I didn’t get that euphoric life changing moment  that they tell you makes pregnancy all worth it. My mother was crying at the sight of him and I felt numb. They handed him to me and I did immediately know that I would lay down my life for him, but I wasn’t overjoyed. I was afraid… FEAR…

There’s that word again.

The next few days in the hospital were a blur of nurses and paper work and exhaustion. Guilt and tears and uncertainty mixed with love and FEAR.

There’s that word again.

On the third day I was set to go home with my little cherub.  Oddly enough I wasn’t afraid I wasn’t going to be able to care for him like most people. I knew I would be able to keep him alive.  I was just afraid I wasn’t going to be able to love him. I know, what mother could ever say that about her newborn baby right?? Trust me, it kills me everyday when I look at his sweet little face. I have a big point to make thought so bare with me.

Little Lyric never decided he wanted to latch on to mommy’s boob and me being the determined/stubborn person that I am I decided to exclusivity pump. Otherwise known  as hell! However glad I am that my son got those amazing nutrients, I may or may not have thought twice about doing this. Seriously on the fence about this one. I loved providing for my son what only I could do. I loved giving him pure goodness that my body was designed for….but on the flip side that fucking pump sucked!!!!!!! Exclusive pumper moms ya feel me? More than it being inconvenient to be chained to an utter sucker every two hours I felt so guilty that I wasn’t spending time cuddling with my baby because I had to pump. Those late night hours that I  could have been snuggling him after he ate…nope. I  was having my breasts extracted. This was my was a big  regret among many  in the decision of being a single mom. If I had baby daddy around I would have had someone to take him during the day and play with him while I was pumping. Someone that if it wasn’t me should be there cuddling him.  There would have been a lot less painful clogged duct moments that’s for sure. Post partum set in with the quickness…I felt hopeless. I felt like a failure. I cried. A LOT! I felt like the life I knew was over and I would never be the same. I felt like a terrible mother…I felt FEAR.

There’s that word again…

So before this blog turns into a self pitying situation I want you single, married, whatever new moms out there to know something. Its ok to feel the roller coaster that is being a new mommy in whatever shape or form it hits you. I decided for my post partum to muscle through it without medication because I had my fair share of rounds with meds and I personally didn’t want to go that route. I don’t fair well with most of it. But talk to your doctor. Explore your options and decide what is best for you! YOU AND ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR THAT LITTLE LIFE YOU BIRTHED!

And I’m REALLY overjoyed to report that today…. I still have FEAR.

There’s that word again.

But although I’m still everyday afraid that I’m not going to be good enough for my sweet SWEET little Lyric Matthew … I know everything will be ok.  I LOVE AND ADORE MY LITTLE CHERUB!!  His big eyes, his chunky legs, his big ole head, his high pitched giggle, when he furrows his brow and gives the world’s greatest stank face! Today as tired as I am when hes screaming in the wee hours of the night…the feeling of me soothing him with one touch gets me though it. And to keep it real here sometimes its like really kid? All you wanted was that? Then I’m instantly flashing forward to when he’s a teenager and wants nothing to do with mommy  and I retract my previous statement. What i’m trying to say here about my first four months of motherhood is it aint all shits and giggles…but its worth it! Time to get some much needed sleep!

Hopefully I wont stay way so long next time peeps!! #singlemomlife

 

Riley-Signature-Hugs-and-Smiles

 

 

 

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